Recently one of my clients – and a dear friend – called me. I began giving him an update on his case and he said, “That’s not why I called you. I called you to see how YOU are.” Well, here’s the thing. This was my friend and I couldn’t just say, “I’m hanging in there.” Because I AM NOT. I am not hanging in there. I’m having a hard time. I’m hanging by my fingertips off a ledge on a wall. Okay, maybe that’s hyperbole.
Hard times are subjective. But that doesn’t mean your hard time does not exist in comparison to anyone else’s hard time. I think that’s where we miss the metaphorical boat. I recall learning this from I believe a David Letterman interview, so I’m paraphrasing. What happens if you live your life exactly as you are right now. And when you die, G_d says to you, “Do you know, THIS is the person you are meant to be? WHAT happened to you?” I don’t want to be faced with that question, ever: “What happened to you?”
Most of us live our lives in quiet fear and suffering. However, meditation teachers will tell you that suffering is feedback. By the way, that doesn’t mean you should add guilt for not meditating to your suffering. But I do know this. If I’m suffering, it’s feedback about something I’m not willing to accept.
As I’m hanging off the metaphorical ledge by my fingertips, I ask myself, “Why are you suffering?” Well, the answer is actually simple. Suffering comes from hanging on to something that does not exist. So tonight, I am letting go of a ledge on a wall that I created. Because suffering is a state of mind. And so is freedom.
WALLS
I was the girl
Who fought
For every A
For every mile time
For every dollar
To buy the cool
Pair of jeans
So I could fit in
With the kids who
Didn’t care about
Grades or
Mile times or
The cost
Of a pair
Of tight jeans.
I was the girl
With homemade dresses
Hiding behind
Bathroom mirror
Hand-cut bangs
Who evaded rejection
From boys
Who didn’t care
About dress stitches
Or crooked bangs
Or who I was in
The bathroom mirror.
I am the woman
With hard-fought
Boundaries
Sewn tight with
Falling-hard scars.
And I am the woman
With walls fortified
By f*ck you bricks and
Leave me alone mortar.
I am the woman
Who has learned
Boundaries
Keep love in
Walls keep love out
I must choose
Wisely.
mamaninjawarrior 